Sonic: Lost World

[Serephim]

I'm not gonna be nitpicky on a game we barely know about. We are on an online forum friggin dedicated to sonic games. I can't really complain. I don't think any of us by ourselves could make that game as good as sega does.

Sega uses large teams of professionals with more experience making games then most of us have experience breathing. As gamers we have the right to critique, and as fans that really only gives us even more to bitch about because now we have expectations.

And FYI, that's a really stupid argument against critique in general. When you make (and sell) a product, you are doing it to please other people. Thats why they pay you. So inherently, when people don't like it, they can say whatever the hell they want to.

I know I'm gonna play it. Sega could put a piece of poop in a box, put Sonic's face on that box, and I would still by it. No, that was not a reference to 06.

You're basically saying that as fans we have an obligation to unconditionally love and praise anything sega does? Usually when someone talks like that, they're talking about their own children. In most other cases they're just batshit insane.

[ZigZaX]

Because we cant go 10 posts before thread members get angry at each other...great.

I personaly prefer the variety in between the levels on the wiiu version, and about the dessert ruins, anyone noticed we only saw teh "desert" trope in act 1 of the 3ds version, but we only saw act 2 and 3 in the wiiU version? Whos to say that 3ds wont get the same idea? or wiiU's dessert ruins wont be similar to 3ds's act 1?

I still think i'm going to buy the WiiU version.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

Sega uses large teams of professionals with more experience making games then most of us have experience breathing. As gamers we have the right to critique, and as fans that really only gives us even more to bitch about because now we have expectations.

And FYI, that's a really stupid argument against critique in general. When you make (and sell) a product, you are doing it to please other people. Thats why they pay you. So inherently, when people don't like it, they can say whatever the hell they want to.

You're basically saying that as fans we have an obligation to unconditionally love and praise anything sega does? Usually when someone talks like that, they're talking about their own children. In most other cases they're just batshit insane.

Valid point's, I feel the same way. But I'm not against critique. I'm a highly trained musician, and getting over critiquing and constructive criticism was the hardest part of getting to be where I am. I'm just saying I don't feel like we know enough about the game to critique it as much as we have. I mean, sonic 06 looked pretty dang awesome when it was revealed. One of the things sega promised for 06 was "speed like we've never seen before." I was excited! They didn't follow through though. Anyways.

People who don't make movies, music, or art critique all three of those things on a regular basis and cannot make anything half as good as what they are talking about. That has to be the most lazy defense of anything ever.

Just because I am on a Sonic forum doesn't mean I automatically have to love everything they ever do all the time hahahaha.

I'm saying that when you have a company you have known, trusted, and loved your whole life, you're probably gonna support them through the bad times. Whether it's games as it is now, or something different like, maybe politics, or a brand of some sort.

[ila]

You can't spell "Potato" so your arguments are invalid. Also because Sereph and Rawr are right.

Potato

[ZigZaX]

Even though, you know, he just said sereph and rawr are right.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

You can't spell "Potato" so your arguments are invalid. Also because Sereph and Rawr are right.

Potato

I made the name MrPoetatoebadger when I was four or five, and it kind of stuck. Notice how there is no period after Mr as well. And wtf does ila mean? Why did you even have to bring usernames into this? What if English was my second language because I'm German? Did you think of that?

[TailsSena]

I made the name MrPoetatoebadger when I was four or five, and it kind of stuck. Notice how there is no period after Mr as well. And wtf does ila mean? Why did you even have to bring usernames into this? What if English was my second language because I'm German? Did you think of that?

I think he was kidding. He does that on occasion.

On topic... I honestly like both versions, but I'll wait until they come out to pass any real judgement on them.

EDIT: My only real complaint with the 3DS version is the same as Sereph, the fail stream-loading scenes.

And no, I don't mind the camera in the Wii U version. It's zoomed out enough to remind me that I can in fact go to the other side of the tube and run around in a non-enemy-infested portion of the level.

[Serephim]

I'm saying that when you have a company you have known, trusted, and loved your whole life, you're probably gonna support them through the bad times. Whether it's games as it is now, or something different like, maybe politics, or a brand of some sort.

Well, known, yes. Trusted, I used to. The company is a company, a group of people, not a single person. The members involved and their management has clearly changed quite a bit over the years we've known them.

At that point, being under "Sega" and using the name "Sonic Team" are only facts at face value. They are not the same Sonic Team from 8 years ago. Their members have changed, their ideals have changed, and their games have changed.

About the only thing consistently good about Sonic Team is their music. And that's only because the core members of Wave Master are one of the few things about Sega to have not drastically changed. Sonic Adventure, PSO, Heroes, Unleashed and Colors all use primarily the same like, 4 or 5 people.

[DimensionWarped]

I made the name MrPoetatoebadger when I was four or five, and it kind of stuck. Notice how there is no period after Mr as well. And wtf does ila mean? Why did you even have to bring usernames into this? What if English was my second language because I'm German? Did you think of that?

Hallo HerrKartoffelDochs!

EDIT: I just noticed I had to re-authenticate you. Sorry if screwing with your name caused you to have trouble using the forums yesterday. Don't worry, no one was trying to ban you or anything silly like that.

[ila]

I made the name MrPoetatoebadger when I was four or five, and it kind of stuck. Notice how there is no period after Mr as well. And wtf does ila mean? Why did you even have to bring usernames into this? What if English was my second language because I'm German? Did you think of that?

I would say I don't care since this is an English forum. Also Sena is right for once in his life.

[Serephim]

Hallo HerrKartoffelDochs!

I love you

[Rawr]

I'm saying that when you have a company you have known, trusted, and loved your whole life, you're probably gonna support them through the bad times. Whether it's games as it is now, or something different like, maybe politics, or a brand of some sort.

Liking a company and their games doesn't constitute that I have to like and support each of their titles. I love SEGA, don't get me wrong, but they put out franchises and series I don't even care for and thus I never buy them, but I still love the company. SEGA games, Sonic in particular, made up a lot of my youth. But when I see a game that looks lame I am gonna be quick to say "I think that looks lame". Not supporting one game =/= not supporting through the bad times. I'd say times are good actually right now - but one edition of this game just isn't for me 'cause I think it looks awful. Feel free to like it - but I don't care for it.

Also stating there is a lack of stuff to go on for criticism, seeing multiple levels with the same sort of problems plaguing each one for me is valid for criticism. Sonic games never tend to be overly long and we've already seen a bit of two out of what I will assume to be 7-8 total levels that probably won't alter things too much. The 3DS has things valid for criticism too - like those strange in-level transitions that don't look very good and whatever. If there is enough there to fall in love with no questions asked - then there is enough there to say "hey, I think this looks wrong" too.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

Whoever Changed my name to MrPotatobadger in german, you spelled "Dachs" wrong. It's with an a not an o... So now I'm just MrPotatoDochs...

[DimensionWarped]

My bad. English phonetic rules and all you know. It's certainly not because I was trying to see if you'd catch the mistake or anything.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

My bad. English phonetic rules and all you know.

Could you please change it back to either MrPoetatoebadger or Mr.Potatobadger, please?

[ila]

As for what kind of username ila is (since you brought that up)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut and my name is ila

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

[Mr. Potatobadger]

As for what kind of username ila is (since you brought that up)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut and my name is ila

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

wow. Lassen Sie mich nur sagen, das war die rührende Sache, die ich je gelesen habe ... Ich habe wirklich genießen, dass. Genau wissen, google translate ist nicht sehr Vertrauen verdient, also nicht kommen weinend zu mir, wenn du ich bin einige seltsame Fälscher denken. Das machte Ihren Namen sehr klar, und ich werde rezitieren, die ganze Geschichte jedes Mal wenn ich lesen, "ila" ...

EDIT: wow, google translate sucks, so let me just write that in English...

let me just say that was the most touching thing i've ever read. I really enjoyed that, but just know Google translate is not very trustworthy, so don't come crying to me if you think I'm some weird faker. This made your name very clear, and I will recite that whole story every time I read "ila"...

You should still try to translate because it's hilarious.

[AstroPiranha]

As for what kind of username ila is (since you brought that up)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut and my name is ila

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

The ballad of ila

I cri evritiem

Also, topic relevant: they better change that awkward loading between levels or I swear on me mum I'll smack some gardening tools and female dogs

[ila]

If there was one thing that stuck out in the 3DS demos, it was those horrible loading sections, particularly since they all use an identical camera movement. Dimps needs to talk to the Mario 3D Land team or something about procedural loading.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

Dammit people, now you have my cousins minecraft username.

[DimensionWarped]

What the heck man, from the sound of things you have a whole Potato Badger dynasty going.

[Mr. Potatobadger]

What the heck man, from the sound of things you have a whole Potato Badger dynasty going.

Well, yea. I kinda do.

Mr.Potatobadger - Me.

Dr.Potatobadger - My cousin Rob

Potatoditto - My friend Julian.

Dr.Potatoditto - Julian's little brother

Potatoducky - My cousin Jake.

Potatodolphin - My friend Trevor.

Potatostarfish - My friend Kanyon.

Potatorampage- My friend Jacob.

All of these are Minecraft usernames that my friends use. I'm the one who started our little "Clan."

[AstroPiranha]

Well, yea. I kinda do.

Mr.Potatobadger - Me.

Dr.Potatobadger - My cousin Rob

Potatoditto - My friend Julian.

Dr.Potatoditto - Julian's little brother

Potatoducky - My cousin Jake.

Potatodolphin - My friend Trevor.

Potatostarfish - My friend Kanyon.

Potatorampage- My friend Jacob.

All of these are Minecraft usernames that my friends use. I'm the one who started our little "Clan."

Well, it looks like you guys are a nice batch of fries

[Mr. Potatobadger]

Well, it looks like you guys are a nice batch of fries

XD I see what you did there.

[DimensionWarped]

I've come up with a compromise I think we all can agree on. Good luck typing it in when you log in (hint, copy paste)